Silent Screams and Desires

You’re my Sleeping Disorder.

There are moments when I stay awake at night, going into endless circles of the moments shared by you and I, those are the moments of which keep me out of borderlines.

Everytime I try to close my eyes, it hurts, yes, it hurts me to close and rest my very exhausted eyes, how come it hurts to do the only thing to make you best, to make you a step further from feeling all grumpy and depressed, I am tired but I can’t sleep, and that sentence is the only explanation to why do I, still for you deeply weep.

Because all those times, the ones when it hurts to close my eyes, when I am tired the most, but can’t say goodbye, to this agonized sorrow of mine, when I refuse to accept the reality of my life, and escape to memories, long-gone memories when I used to shine, shine so much that it hurts my tired eyes, making me unable to sleep most nights. 

And then I can’t stop thinking, can’t stop being more and more attached and addicted, you’re not good to me, mentally, physically nor emotionally, but I still choose you carelessly, ignoring all of the things I will be having, and focusing on how things would go if we were meant to be going endlessly, living a life where you and I come closely, I touch your face and you touch my back gracefully, it is not real, and I am also ignoring that, with the fact that we will never be.

You’re my sleeping disorder, you’re the one whom my heart for grew fonder and fonder, you’re my weakness, you’re my hidden pride, you’re the one who will be taking my life, you’re the shadow of endless nights, you’re the cruelest, but for thee I deny, yes, I am fully aware of the better I can have, but I refuse to let someone else take your house in my mind.

It has been a while, since we last met, since your eyes met mine, and our fingers entwined, since I lastly tasted your lips, since I lonely waited for your voice, since you held me closer and closer, since the last time, oh the last time, we and especially I, felt like this.

I am certain of how I am actually out of your heart, the place I used to call home, but did you know? that you still live in mine, even if you really left, it’s still the place you can always come to, if you ever feel alone, and as much I would welcome you with happiness, I hope you never do, be nor ever feel alone.

It has been a while since we last met, I am fully aware of how my existence was rare during the time you were spending here, in this city, I am aware of how I cowardly disappeared, spending most weekends home alone, while everyone is where you are, keeping you in great companionship, to be honest, being sure of such a fact, made me in peace, yes I was lonely, but you were never alone.

Today, I received the news of how you are gone, back again to that place you call home, the place of which you have replaced me with in your heart, the place of which I, lost my home for.

The shock is paralyzing me, yes I haven’t met you during the time you spent in here, but, I just can not believe that I am loosing the peace that I embraced gladly when I was alone, but now, I will get back to being alone, unrelieved, disturbed and faraway from peace, because I wouldn’t know a thing about you, because I wouldn’t overhear your voice, because the air wouldn’t smell like you anymore, and the lights wouldn’t shine so bright anymore, and the sounds wouldn’t come with your whispers anymore, because I wouldn’t be expecting you to show up at my door step everytime I open the door, nor to see you at any random place where are the shops and the stores, because I wouldn’t be hoping and dreaming, I wouldn’t get that feeling, not anymore.

All the while you’ve been here, I’ve been seeing you daily, as I day dream or remember, how we kissed, laughed, hugged, and danced, or as I dream at night of how we could have written our story endlessly, without a stop, without the ending we’ve written two years ago, of how .. It could be if we were meant to last.

Even if this city wouldn’t miss you, would forget you, I never will, even if they believe that you are absent from my heart as much as you are from their city, well, my dear always but-never-once beloved, here’s a secret, you never left. 

Would you?

She tries to be there for me in my times of need, when I plead, in secret, for your existence.

She tries to document our moments by capturing pictures of me, only me, it’s like she’s trying not to miss a meeting, without a picture, like she’s obligated to conserve me while I’m growing older, in smiles, tears and in laughter, she protects me, and fears on me, like I’m her own daughter, we’ve never been like this, at least, not when you and I were together, but when you left, she started to call more, ask more, and be there more.

I wonder if that’s just out of her pity, the sympathy all people give to me, after that sad ending of our story, or it’s you making sure that I don’t live in loneliness, it’s you looking after me from great distance, because you never left for being sick of this, you left to keep me out of misery.

She’s getting married this Thursday, and we’ve been on ups and downs lately, we haven’t been on the same page, we haven’t been sisters nor friends as always, and it hurts me that I’m going to lose her now, losing her slowly, she’s going to live a thousand miles away from me, it is destroying me, because I am going to lose the last piece of you, the one she carries and embraces, as she leaves this city, as our relationship drifts with the wind and comes back during occasions and emergencies, I can sense it, I can feel it while it is coming to crash against my body like waves of sea, because that feeling is as big as how I am lonely.

I’ should have known better, I had to be.

Because not all things need a reason to be explained, I can not explain myself at this particular moment, that is why, I am documenting it.

My lost inspiration just rushed into my blood like Adrenaline, I feel alive, and somehow, I feel new, fresh, not sorrowed, nor worried, nor depressed.

Happy thoughts, spreading smiles and capturing moments, dancing and singing, because all what I was suffering from in the past two to three weeks, was severe lack of inspiration, very severe, it caused many pains to my soul and those dear souls around me, it made me dull, lost, and very bothered.

I hope this lasts, and I hope I don’t end up going back to that saddening status of which I was having few hours ago, I am praying I don’t.

There is no reason, not any at all, why I feel like this now, but there are millions of reasons, why I once felt like how I felt before, and my strength will conquer those reasons, with the innocence of not-existing reasons.

I have been disrupted, lately, I confess, I have not been my usual self, or to be exact, my new self, I am being slowly pulled back to the person, I once used to be.

This disruption, was only caused by two things, your voice, and my ears, you see, I’ve heard you speak, I’ve felt your lips moving, and it has severely damaged me, but the words my ears have heard, is what’s making me very weak, because not only I am not sure of what you have said, but I am slightly unsure of the existence and clearance of those words I have heard.

Sleepless nights, and miserable mornings, I am out of focus, my goal has vanished under the great piles of thoughts and assumptions, I am disenchanted of myself, very much so.

I am hoping, that somehow, I find myself belonging to some place, without you, because this behavior, and this treatment I am treating myself with, is torture, is hell, I do not know when will I stop leaving pieces of me everywhere I go, secretly desiring that you notice them and find me, but the day I stop, will be the day you’re gone, to the other side of the world, because that is where, you belong.

And to that day, I am counting the seconds, with anxiety, and despair.

We are.

We are the ones who grew up so fast, who had memories which will forever last, almost a common past, but got shocked of how this world welcomed us, in a rush, in judgments, making us all feel like outsiders, an outcast.

We are the ones who shine with inspiration, we are the never-born inventors, as our thoughts are skipped and stepped on, as they are killed with no sense of feeling, we are the ones who escape to the world built entirely of our own once-murdered ideas, as everything is wonderful there, it can be our vivid reality, and this reality, can be the fairy-tale of which has gone bad.

We are the most creative, but so sad, I do not know why have we all, together, gone mad, our need for freedom, our desperateness for being sat free, for taming our thoughts in jars, like all those fireflies we once attacked to catch, we are the lights of the cities, and to the cities, we’re the unspoken cads.

We are the believers, of the better, the best, we are the happiest, and most depressed, we are the great show, of biggest mess, we are the leaders, of this encountering bless, we are who suffer, from being less and in stress, we are who wear our invisible cress, as we go .. Undressed.

We are the shouters, of deep silence.

We are the generation, of growing self-violence.

I have been experiencing great amounts of self-loathing seizures lately, it comes out all of a sudden, and especially when I’m deeply concentrating into something, it just hits me, like cold waves of the dark blue ocean, the same ocean I keep drowning into, in my day-dreams.

I end up finding myself very despicable, in about everything, I end up feeling alone to the very most, but somehow, I end up not caring about it, because deep inside of me, I am certain that I deserve it, I tried to look outside the box for a while, it seemed that everyone who were waiting for me to get out of it, have left, or, on their way, so, that is why I ended up, end up and will end up, at the end of their everything, it’s like how letters always have this sense of saying goodbye at the end, I’m always that goodbye.

I’ve always hated being the center of attention, because not only it weakens me, nor breaks me, but, how it changes me, and I do need to be unchanged, because this change, controls me, moves like the winds, in all directions, so lost and insecure, unsure, I end up being in my worst conditions, like how I am now.

I feel like flying, like drowning, either tying my wrists to a hot air balloon, or tying my ankles to rocks, I do not want to stay, I need to feel faraway, and probebly, all I need is a brand new day.

I am always thankful how our days end with tomorrows.

What would you do if you craved me most?

I would spend time alone, listening to my silent angry thoughts, or avoiding their fights, I would try to make time for laughter, even if those wouldn’t be so real, I would dance, I would scream, I would read, I would read more often, so I can live the characters, so I can be able, for once, to become the hero of a story which is not written by my fingers, to survive the living in a world which is not by my design, to be captivated by someone’s else thoughts and words, which are completely not of my own. 

I would hide, I would run, scream without noise and be someone I don’t want to be, I would cry, with no tears, I would sigh, and hide my fears, from being exposed to the public, as it could be shameful to me, but I would break down as from your ghost I can’t be free, and tears would come out unintentionally, then everyone would realize how you still live in me, I would be sleepless, and when I finally sleep, I would dream, day and night dreams, endless they would be, that there would be no line between reality and fantasies, I would go insane, as I sanely accept that I’m helpless towards my emotions.

But if we looked to the other side, there would be a whole different story..

I would remember you, and hide you between my folds, no one would know, not even the closest, as you actually no longer exist in my heart, nor in their minds, I dis-included you as you once did, I blame you, for making me dis-include myself like this now. I would lose my usual energy, and free myself from concerns, I would go ups and downs, I would drown, I would replace you by thousands, and laugh with more, I would keep myself busy with meaningless nights, staying up the latest, so I can sleep all day to have nightmares and skip daylight, I would ignore those who love me most, and skip these conversations of confessions.

I would never be shown, never be felt nor known, even you, wouldn’t feel, or know, I wouldn’t scream out loud, I would kill you in silence, I would be stronger as you become breathless, soundless, I would drink your tears as I hear them fall at the ground like fading raindrops, I would savage your image of beauty, and I would derange your pure soul, I would ruin you, so I can survive.

“What would you do if you craved me most?”

“Who would you be, if you craved me most?”